Saturday, February 4, 2012

Book Titles

This is a list of book titles I made way back in the day, when I was much funnier (and more creative) than I am now. Well, at least I had it then. All of these were inspired by George Carlin's similar book titles lists in his books.

  • A Complete List Of Words That Have Not Been Invented Yet
  • Crimes That Have Never Happened And Their Affect On Society.
  • A Concise List Of Hitler’s Crimes Against Humanity.
  • A List Of Important Dead People And Their Thoughts That They Didn’t Ever Think.
  • A Bunch Of Stuff That No One Is Good At.
  • Advantages Of Having Grotesquely Huge Hands.
  • Read This Book, Learn Nothing From It, Throw It Out.
  • Twelve Easy Steps To Filter Toilet Water Into Drinking Water.
  • How To Remain Indoors All Day, And Still Be Considered Cool.
  • Ways In Which You Are Being Fucked Over By People That Tell You That You Are Being Fucked Over.
  • How To Remain Polite While Talking With The Person Who Murdered Your Brother.
  • Hunting Felines And Canines For Dummies.
  • How To Turn Five Dollars Into A Night Filled With Terrible Sex.
  • Baseball Tips For Arm Amputees
  • Curving Your Alcohol Dependency By Delving Into Harder Drugs.
  • Using Intercourse As A Way To Improve Masturbation Techniques.
  • Activities Other Than Reading To Try While Taking A Shit. (includes chapters on aerobics, baking, and directing films)
  • How To Make Everyone, Including The Dead Person, Laugh At A Funeral.
  • Getting To Know A Serial Killer Personally Without Getting Killed.
  • A Very Long Book About Being Lazy.
  • Ten Good Reasons Not To Jump From A Thirty Story Building.
  • How To Lose Weight Using Scissors, A Screwdriver, And Duct Tape.
  • Little Known Health Benefits Of Drinking W.D. 40.
  • Tracing A Woman’s Sexual History By Watching Her Pregnancy Schedule
  • She Broke My Back, Then She Broke My Heart: My Story Of Love With A Female Bodybuilder.
  • I Have An STD, And I Got It From You.
  • My Dream Made Me Come, But My Girlfriend Couldn’t.
  • Never Show Emotion Again: How To Get Down Syndrome.
  • Living With Narcolep
  • Let’s Get Drunk And Fuck.
  • How To Get Across A River Without Swimming (foreword by Jesus Christ).
  • Having Better Sex By Not Involving Someone Totally Ugly (Even If It Is Yourself).
  • Better Uses For Cats.
  • Suicide For Beginners.
  • Fifty Good Examples Why You Should Not Do What God Tells You. (includes chapters on serial killers, child molesters, and cutting off your foreskin)
  • Turning Vomit Into A Tasty Bowl Of Soup.
  • Abortion As A Hobby.
  • Ten Good Reasons That The Color Red Is Red.
  • Dealing With FUCK! Tourette’s.
  • Being A Dummy For Dummies.
  • Properly Applying Dentures With Crazy Glue.
  • What To Do When The Boogie Man Attacks.
  • Sex As A Form Of Torture.
  • A Step By Step Guide To Solving World Hunger By Breastfeeding The Starving.
  • Things That Continue To Happen, Even While You Are Sleeping.
  • 100 Solid Reasons Your Child Isn’t Cute (Chapter 1: Your Ugly Self Is One Of The Parents. Chapter 2: Your Partner Isn't Much Of A Looker Either)
  • Flatulence As A Conversation Starter.
  • How Acne Ruined My Life.
  • Historical Cases Where Making Up For Shortcomings By Drinking Paid Off.
  • Sixteen-Hundred Medical Reasons That Cigarette Smoke Is Healthier Than Performing Cunnilingus. (Especially On Your Girlfriend)
  • How To Count To One Hundred Really Fast - And More Than One Hundred Good Reasons Why You Should.
  • Five Reasons Why The Number Five Should Not Be A Number (But It Should Be A Letter).
  • How To Find Love In A Dark Alley.
  • Tickling Your Way To A Successful Career.
  • How To Designate The Inside Of Your Car As Holy Land.
  • How To Embrace Your STD.
  • I Fell In Love And All I Got Was Syphilis.
  • How We Can Use Stuffed Animals To Care For Our Elderly.
  • You Suck…And Here’s Why.
  • Gorgonzola Cheese As An Aphrodisiac.
  • Unfathomable Proof That Cinderella Was A Satanist.
  • How To Whisper Really Loud.
  • Ejaculation As A Self Defense Mechanism.

Friday, February 3, 2012

Things

I threw my banana peel in Vermont.

The NBA now resembles NBA Jam. Two players on the court who actually matter and guys pretty much jumping out of the sky.

I was a moose before. I no longer am, though. At around age 24, 25, I was a moose. Not figuratively, literally. Not physically, mentally. I literally became a moose for a few years. But, I am not one anymore.

I haven’t learned anything. I just forgot it all.

Showing up with blood stained shirts to pickup basketball.

Fantasy: an optimistic lie.

I love nuts. No, seriously, I do. I love nuts so much. They are so good. I love munching on them. They are salty and good. I love nuts.

Tim Tebow is the current Charlie Sheen who was just a different times Dennis Rodman. And, he was only the Charles Manson of a different era. Only two of them were worth paying attention to.

Shawn Michaels is to Michael Jordan as Mick Foley is to Dennis Rodman.

I saw a calendar called “Outhouses 2012.” It was a calendar with photographs of outhouses. Nice. A calendar of outdoor places that people shit in to hang on your kitchen wall.

I have noticed that high people tend to pick things up and look at them more often than non high ones.

There is a cat litter called, “Cat’s Pride.” Because cats like to take pride in the brand of sand type stuff that humans make so they can shit into it.

I always appreciate a crack dealer who calls himself a “rock collector.”

You ever see an Ethiopian with a boob job? No? That is because they have their priorities straight.

Try to imagine an Ethiopian version of Playboy magazine. It is probably just bottles of water.

Fuck man, I got a convertible.

Trying to remain ignorant.

Hey girls wearing sunglasses all the time, especially those huge bug ones - why would you cover up your eyes?

Some people don’t need to lie, their truth is negative enough.

As a heterosexual male, I don’t want to go to Dick’s. I’d rather go to BJs. As an absurdist, I just might instead go to Marshalls. What about TJ Maxx? Fuck that, I’ll see you at Goodwill.

Did radio stations get together and decide to overplay Adele to the point of making listeners go from wanting to hear her songs to almost needing to turn them off because they are played so much?

We are all alone in our experiences.

A crushed water bottle scraping off the pavement as it blows across the parking lot on a February night has more style than many.

A swing hanging from a tree swaying back and forth with no one on it on a dark January night.

I’d hold a grudge, but my hands are full with this ax to grand.

I’m still waiting on the Prince William and Kate Middleton sex tape.

Regarding high heels: Why do women think they have to bend their feet by putting the heel at an upward angle in shoes that force the foot to stay in that position? It’s not attractive whatsoever. Actually, it looks goddamn uncomfortable. Please, put on a pair of sneakers or something. Let’s get real here.

Don't try the small talk.

People I Respect:
  • Anyone who follows, “A couple of porn stars on Twitter.”
  • Any adult who refers to their penis as a “ding dong” and doesn’t care otherwise.
  • Porn actresses who stay in character during the dirty talk.
  • Twins who despise one another.
  • Guys who wear goggles to play pickup basketball.
Thank you for reading. Have a good'n.
Masturbatory Love

Three words
like an orgasm to the ears-
to the mind
but I wish I had realized
I was pretty much
jerking myself

(1/27/2012 11:53 pm)