Thursday, July 23, 2015

People I've Known (In My Mind)


Betty Sue
Betty Sue was a weird one.  She had an online dating profile where she acted as if she was a vampire.  In the profile section where one is to describe what they are looking for in another person, she simply wrote, “Necks.”  On her days off, which were all of them (she never worked), she sat around pretending to be a cat.  No one was sure why, even her.  This did lead to a lot of free bowls of milk left by helpful neighbors.  As fate would have it, she was lactose intolerant and never got to enjoy the treat left for her.  Many thought her to be mentally ill, and she was.  Not only that, she was also physically ill, all of the time.  She claimed to have had the same cold since 1946, which she also claimed was given to her when a homely looking child sneezed into her face inside a McDonalds restaurant.  She once fell asleep next to a homeless man and during her sleep attempted to cuddle him.  Thinking she was attempting to steal his change, he punched her in the vagina.  This unfortunately led to her timely death (she had wanted to die since she was 8, so whenever was good for her).

Tod
Tod.  Oh, what a guy.  He was a skidoo enthusiast.  He loved the way his package looked in those tight water pants.  He was known to say, “Whatever floats your skidoo.”  What a dork.  He was a Wall Street executive who always gelled his hair back and to the left.  He said it was inspired by the JFK assassination.  He was rich as all fuck, but not fuck as all rich, whatever the that means.  He once finger fucked a donkey just for the hell of it.  A devoted father of none, and a lifetime, devoted alcoholic, he claims to have once drank an entire bottle of beer using only his rectum.  No one is sure what he meant by this.  In his younger days, he joined a sorority, not knowing that men are supposed to be in fraternities.  It worked out for him, as he got much more pussy surrounded by drunk sorority chicks all the time.  He stayed with the sorority until the day he died.  He was hit by a car and thrown 30 feet, ironically enough, forward and to the right.

Susie Q
Susie Q was an odd one.  She was a germophobe saxophonist.  This was troublesome for her at times, as she never wanted to put her lips on the dirty saxophone tip.  So, she just held the saxophone a lot.  She was pretty good at that part of saxophoning.  She was also good as cell phoning.  And, homophobing.  She would call up gay people on her cell phone and call them homophobic slurs.  What a little cunt.  She died of pneumonia when she ate a freeze pop during the middle of the winter while attempting to climb Mount Everest.

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