Mystery Of Life

We’re all born into death. We’re born to die. But, do we die to be born (again)? This is the mysterious part.

Random Unused Notes

Match.com and eharmony.com are pimps. And, you are their whore.

Honesty is the best policy but lying will get you the furthest.

Graduation Ceremonies: Who can make the most noise for their kid? Annoying. Your kid sucks, I don’t care how loud you yell. Shut up, sit down, and stop trying to make a scene. Your annoying kid is annoying because you made him annoying because you are extremely annoying.

Something I have noticed in life: laundromats don’t exactly attract the higher ends of society.

Whatever you can think of, it will never be as fucked up as what humans actually do or have done. Think of the most fucked up thing you can do. Imagine it. Now, realize that humans have done far worse. No matter what they do in the movies, it has nothing on what people actually do to each other in the real world.

It’s never too late to become what you want to be.

Disagree to agree is to agree to disagree.

12:60 is 1:00. 2:90 is 3:30.

You ever see someone who is such a bad driver that you have to look at them while you pass them just to see what such a shitty driver looks like?

Hibernation for humans is a coma.

Wolves is to dogs as humans is to midgets.

Smoking pot on the interstate is the highway.

Quote I heard: “Still feels good to be a dad. The D.N.A. test proves it and everything.”

If you live long enough and you are smart enough, you will become a cynic.

Life is just a situation that ended up happening.

I tried to steal camouflage. It was easy. No one saw shit.

The only way to true happiness is through yourself.

Confidence without recognition becomes arrogance.

I want to write so much that people write books analyzing books that I have written.

My goal in life: to be able to confidently wear the outfit Prince wears in the “Dirty Mind” video. As long as I don’t do that twist thing that he does at the end.

A bad fisherman is just a boater.

I look forward onto my life, backwards. Think about that sentence long enough, you will have a psychedelic trip without using drugs.

Wind is the original leaf blower.

Compete against yourself in life.

Learning to ride a bike is just like learning to ride a bike.

I have FUCKING TOURETTE’S SYNDROME!!!

Those two people fuck. That is depressing.

I mispelled misspelled.

Spellcheck needs to be spellchecked. Spellchecked doesn’t.

One of my main goals in life is to be able to get from point A to point B without being accosted for money.

Party Mix snacks consist of tortilla chips, BBQ chips, pretzels, and cheesy poofs. You know what a true party mix is? Liquor, coke, sluts, whores, sex, drugs, and gambling.

Do these words make sense in this order? I guess they do.
Words do these sense make order in this? Those don’t.

Massachusetts College Of Needing A Longer Name Than The Other 5,000 Schools In Massachusetts.

That song, “Blame It On The Alcohol.” Blame what? The shitty song writing?

History is just instances over and over of one man killing another (man). That’s it. Nothing else happens.

Understand This

Perspiring thoughts slide down through my brain, covering all areas, affecting all with my mind twist. Thought steam with the wind becomes one with the world. Parallel to a propeller, my brain waves flow out through the world moon. The only difference? I hold influence over lunar consequences, yet I’m impervious to its usually penetrating power. Bigger than the world I live in. My problem, perhaps? Doubtful. The problem: built within your essence.

Cannot fit inside this area, too constricted by mediocrity. Your walls are four sided, mine: a hexagon even laughable. A living octagon, sided by more than eight times couldn’t attempt to encompass my mind globe. Double? Your mind can only conceive so. Your world flat view, my mind thinks in spheres, encompassing even your highest realm. Continually covering even your most grandiose conception with my banal night contrived conventional contributions. An unnecessary thought: I must think to outthink your thought. (Why waste my space-time?) Sleeping deeper, however higher consciousness than your most alive, awakening god-like Zen moment. Is this what you have for me? I think these godsends void of effort.

Refusal to hold back thought incomprehensible. Understand? My starting point so aloft, unexpected for you to identify with the magnitude. Making sense? Through whose vision? Eyes of god look at me with wonder. His countenance attempts to hold back bewildered amazement, but not even god cannot deceive this intellect. Belittling your very creator, making Him the fool. Necessity to dumb down society for my very presence. Never stooping to your lower level to kowtow to commonplace critical criterion.

Understand this: I’m only understandable to those wanting to understand.

Philosophy (random god and Jesus talk that will probably be misunderstood)

Get in harmony with life. With nature. With god. Learn to live with yourself, then go from there. Be able to dance with life. Be able to play the music of the gods. Be able to stay in tune with the sway of the trees and the flow of the rivers. Live with nature without ruining it. Be part of nature, not separate from it. Become one with yourself and thus with nature and everything all around you. Don’t hate. Love. Don’t flee. Become. Don’t get involved. Leave alone and let be. The devil and god are both in your heart and both in your mind. Strive to become the goodness that you have in your soul. Strive to only be the good that you are. You will always have the devil inside, but never let it overcome you. Don’t fight with yourself, but overcome yourself so that devil no longer has the power to come up over you and overtake your actions. Let yourself be the god you know is good. Let the Jesus you have inside out so that you can overcome the negative attributes that are the easy road. Don’t ever take the easy road. Take the road you will learn the most from. Take the road others don’t ever dare to take. Take your own way. Forge your own path. Follow nothing but your own intellect. Dream dreams big that you can attain. Continue to learn along the path we know as life. Become insignificant. Become meaningless. Become nothing. Just be here and sway with nature. Follow the signs given to you by nature. Go where life leads you. Take life’s hand and move with it. Be in tune with the signs of nature that warn you of things. Be in tune with the same signs that let you know what to do next with your life. Never be too afraid to do your own thing. Become nothing but who you want to be, totally. Stand up on your own and show others the way to happiness. Never lead, but let others follow. Only lead by the life you lead. Become an example of happiness. Become a showcase of the way life should be lived.

I Find It Interesting...

I find it interesting that when you look at any average Joe walking down the street they could actually be a serial killer. Next time you walk down the street and see someone, just remember, they might have bodies hanging off of meat hooks in their basement.

An Army Of One

Why would I go to war? I am going to go risk my life attempting to kill people I don’t know so the rest of you can sit around here getting fat and watching TV? I don't think so.

Ask A Douche Bag

Dear Ask A Douche Bag,

I am wondering about my girlfriend. Things were going great for a while, but now she seems distant. She would never take birth control, now she has takes her pill every morning, as she says, “just in case something crazy happens.” She has started calling me less, saying that she is too busy, and always on the phone with her new, “friend.” In addition, she came home a week ago after “a night with the girls” smelling of cologne and had booze on her breathe, and she doesn‘t even drink. Is there something going on here that I should know about.
“Curious In Seattle”

Dear “Curious”
I really don’t think there is anything to worry about. Sometimes, people just like their space. It doesn’t mean that she is cheating on you. She has probably realized that taking birth control is a better idea than having a child she can’t support. The calling less and being too busy are just her trying to play hard to get with you. Her new “friend” is most likely a female coworker who she plans to bake pies with. The cologne and booze smell most likely came from her friends being out at the bar. Those places get pretty crowded sometimes, and rubbing occurs so the cologne probably just wiped off a bit onto her friend. From there, because she was hanging around her friends, it rubbed onto her. Perhaps her friends were drinking and that is why you smelled it on her that night. “Curious” don’t be worried about it, as this is totally normal stuff that goes on in relationships all the time. You have to learn to trust people, especially the person you are with. If you can’t even do that, maybe you should be alone. I wouldn’t be surprised if she dumped you simply because you have, for no good reason, lost trust in her.

A Thought I Feel As Though Is Necessary To Share With The World

Remember Game Genie? That thing was the shit.

Uplifting Post? Finally.

I have been posting a lot of negative things lately, so here are some things that should be uplifting to think about:

The sunshine, sex, the grass growing, riding a four wheeler, camping out, good food, a back rub, intellectual conversation, good times with friends, talking to your mom, looking at old pictures reminiscing, thinking about your childhood, sleeping really deep, fun dreams, road trips, a good wrestling match, the baseline to “The Pot”, dancing, Prince songs, the sound of a keyboard typing, life in general, knowing people on a more than base level, the idea that you have nothing to be paranoid about, the entire Catch 33 album by Meshuggah, Stacy Keibler, my Dad’s orange hat, great meaningful quotes, a good book, the fact that my dad is still better at basketball than me, my 83 year old gram telling me how it is, laughing about stuff, friendship, real love, watching a bird fly and shit on someone, nature as god, James, the fact that this rash is no longer spreading, orange juice, living, personal liberation, freedom, playing cribbage, sitting at the kiddy table even though you are 24, staring at the clouds seeing them as different shapes, bugs in the bushes, swimming, Neville’s doughnuts, listening to crickets, discovering things no one else knows about, warm sand in between your toes (that one sounds kind of gay), owning Michael Jackson’s “Beat It” jacket, quitting your job just because you can, deer, moose, those little boxes of juice that come with the straw attached to them that you always had as a kid, getting your face dirty eating chocolate and not really caring how it looks, hour glasses, getting out of the shower and having a towel to dry off with, cops who don’t arrest you for smoking pot, when you cook ravioli and they don’t break and the cheese remains totally inside of them, guitar solos, learning about life and death from children who can’t even speak yet, mosquitoes who leave you alone, truth, putting that last piece into a puzzle, lighters, Indians and their way of life, hand written letters, log cabins, elephants having sex (don’t lie; you know this makes you smile), those pink shorts that girls wear that say, “Juicy,” thongs, taking into account another’s perspective, saying whatever you want, self discovery (another gay one), sliding down the stairs for fun, sliding down the railing at the subway, running up the escalator the wrong way, enjoying what you do, the fact that the world didn’t blow up on new year’s eve 1999, people who don’t let others get in the way of their good time, bewilderment, picking up hitchhikers and listening to their story, ending something before it gets too redundant.

Virgin Mary Found In New Videotape…And It’s A Porno…Starring God Himself.

Friday, October 19, 2007
A recently discovered videotape shows the “virgin” Mary performing sexual acts, including vaginal penetration. Catholic church officials have now decided to drop the “virgin” part of her name, due to its incorrect nature. There was no anal intercourse seen throughout the tape, so she may be referred to as “The Anal Virgin Mary.” God stars in the porno. This was confirmed when, during intercourse, she yells out, “Oh God,” over and over. Neither God nor The Anal Virgin Mary could be reached for comment, since neither of them actually exist.

My Assassination List

1. Bil Keane: Who is he? Writer, Artist of “Family Circus” comic. You’ve seen it. You know, the one that is always surrounded by a circle and always not funny.
Motive: Insane jealousy over how he is famous and I‘m not. Simply want to kill him because his cartoons are lame and I’m pissed he got famous. His comic is in over a thousand newspapers, has over 80 book compilations, and has been around since 1960. I’m mad at the fact that his comic is the most widely syndicated comic in the world and it isn’t funny whatsoever. In the least. In reality, it is lame and not funny at all. However, what do you expect main stream America to embrace? I need to knock this guy off so I can sleep well at night. I know most comic strips are lame anyway, but this guy takes it to a new level. It has gotten to the point where I now cut out the lamest of “Family Circus” (cutting it out everyday is a daunting task) and sit around at night staring at them wondering how anyone ever wanted to publish anything resembling such shit. I mean, c’mon, he’s been doing this comic strip for more than 40 years. It’s obvious he ran out of ideas three months into it.

Back In My Day...

I know this is going to make me sound like one of those old people who thinks his generation was tougher than the current one, but here it is anyway. You know what pisses me off? Having to stop every 20 feet for these little kids on the school bus. Have you ever gotten behind one of these buses? Honestly, they stop every 30 yards. No lie. They are actually delivered right to their door. We are making kids soft. Make these fuckers walk. Drop them off at the end of the street. Why do they need to be bussed RIGHT to their house. Not near, around, or in the vicinity of. But, TO their house. That never happened when I was in school. And, this was only 10, 15 years ago. My ass got dropped off at the end of the street and had to walk. Or, my ass had to walk the whole way to school. If these kids can’t find their way, or get home from the end of their street, their problems are much worse than a school is going to fix anyway.

Plus, I can’t go around the damn bus. It is a moving stop sign. When they stop, that stop sign comes up, and both sides of traffic have to stop. It’s lame. If this kid doesn't learn to avoid cars now, when will he? Then, as I’m sitting there, waiting for the kid to get off the bus, (and fuck, I have shit to do, get the fuck out of my way) the parents come out. The dad comes out to greet the little freak right at the bus door. Helps him down that last few steps. Then, the dad has a conversation with the damn bus driver. For about 2 minutes. And, I am supposed to sit there and wait for this bullshit. These are the types of things that bother me on my way home from work.

High On Jay Low

Whatever happened to Jennifer Lopez? I’ve noticed that she fell off pretty quickly. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not complaining. But, I think it was when she changed her name to J-Lo. That was about the time her downfall began, for good reason. Or, when she stopped fucking Puff Daddy. Somewhere within that time frame shit started to go bad. I guess all I’m trying to say is that I miss her ass. And, that Jenny from the block song. And her being engaged to a different man every other month.

The Swine Flu That Was Made Up

When everyone was scared of the swine flu, shutting down schools, closing public places, obsessively washing and protecting ones own immune system, my friends and I went out into the woods at Walden pond, didn’t shower, pissed in the woods, ate with our bare hands after digging up mud, washed in the pond, and just overall were total grubs. I’m still alive. Fuck this swine flu shit.

Charity Letter

This one will take some explaining. I wrote the following when I worked at Pizza House and kids used to come in and bring a letter to Pete (the owner and my bother-in-law) looking for donations to go overseas or go on some trip to, "broaden their horizons" or some bullshit like that. It pissed me off, so I wrote this. I molded it after one specific letter a girl brought in looking for money so should could go, "study abroad" for no good reason but her own amusement. My objective was to hand it out to the students, or better yet, the parents of the students, who brought in a letter looking for a donation from Pete. I never got around to that, but I think it's worth reading.

Dear Sir Or Madam:

My name is John Pitroff. I am a twenty three year old pizza delivery man at Pizza House in Adams, MA. I recently realized that I would like to go on a trip. I plan on visiting a number of different countries, cities, and towns. The objective of my trip is to get laid as much as possible, have fun, and learn something about other cultures (my mom told me to write in this part). This two week experience meeting other people, hopefully hot drunk easy chicks, will get me more in touch with the different cultures of the world and give me an education on how others live, and, if I‘m lucky, how they are in bed. This study abroad should bring me a great deal of education on how people differ around the world.

I am currently seeking financial sponsors to help me to finance my endeavor. I hope I can count on you for support. I have set up an organization, “The John Pitroff Trip Fund.” If you haven’t heard of it, let me share some history with you. This organization was founded in 2008 by John Pitroff when he realized he wanted to go on a vacation, but he didn’t have enough money to do so.

The tuition is a measly $7,000. This includes all transportation, accommodations, meals, bar tabs, and drug money. Through money donated by my family, my friends, and from not buying hookers for a few weeks, I have raised $200 on my own. Is it possible for you to make a donation that will help me make this trip a possibility? Any donation will be appreciated. Of course, if you don’t give any, or if you give me a small amount, I will consider you cheap.

All I ask is for a small donation of money that you work for everyday. Money that you make by working hard and putting in hours. You businesses can spare a couple of hundred dollars. I would appreciate if you just hand over your hard earned cash simply because I am asking you to give it to me. Please, ignore the bills that you have to pay yourself. Ignore the fact that you probably have things in your own life that you have to spend the money on that are important to you. Ignore the fact that I could probably raise this money if I worked a few more hours a week or if I got another part time job. I just need the money for this trip, so just give, give, give.

This trip should help me learn a lot. I might learn that some self-righteous parents should never send their fifteen year old daughter out to local businesses to hand out a charity letter in hopes of gaining money for a trip overseas. I will probably learn that if parents wish to send their child somewhere to learn more about the world, possibly they could save up the money on their own, and, I don’t know, maybe, have their daughter get a job instead of being an upper class panhandler for the rest of her life. However, I probably won’t learn any of this, so, just fork over the cash.

Please free to contact me at (413) 207-2745 if you need more information. Your charitable donation will allow me to spend this great opportunity traveling the world in search of a good time.

Thank you in advance for your support.

Sincerely Yours,

John Pitroff
President “The John Pitroff Trip Fund.”

Uncle Leo

Uncle Leo wasn’t quite a racist; he hated people of all colors with the same amount of vigor. Whether you were black, white, Mexican, or Asian, he tended to have it in for you. However, he did seem to have a personal vendetta against the Canadians. His dream was to travel to Canada, get inside the border, and eventually overthrow their “government” by hypnosis. He planned to hypnotize the Prime Minister with a McDonalds happy meal and then use the McDonalds as the new United States embassy. Ronald McDonald wanted nothing to do with this plan. He said, “Look, I am all for opening up new places. I have opened up thousands of my own homes for others, but a government center in Canada? I’d rather buy a Whopper.”

Uncle Leo never went through with the plan. Instead, he sat inside his apartment continuously cutting his toenails. He did this everyday at 2 o’clock, sharp. He got so talented that he eventually was able to make the clippings fly into a little pile with no need of gathering them all up with his hands. He considered it his one true talent, but never shared his gift with others. After he died of a boomerang shot to the head (he forgot it wasn’t a Frisbee and didn’t realize it was coming back), over 700 homemade DVDs were found at his apartment, all containing footage of him cutting his toenails into perfectly round piles.

Leo’s legacy probably won’t be his toenail talent, but his idea that involved carving other foods into jack-o’-lanters. In his diaries, he wrote, “Why just carve pumpkins? You could make a really clever apple jack-o’-lantern. Who wouldn’t want to see a kiwi turned into a scary face with a candle inside it? I sure as hell would.”

It is unknown why Leo was not admitted to the mental ward before his death. The most likely answer is that no one gave a shit about him or his, as he called them, “really nifty” ideas. He was found dead in his apartment on April 14th of this year when a gang planning to rob his house broke in and found his body. They called the cops who showed up, arrested the gang, then called the local ambulatory service for assistance.

My Thought(s) On Zoos (here's a clue: they are fucked up)

Zoos are really fucked up. Let’s take this animal out of its natural habitat and keep it in a cage for the rest of its life so simpleminded humans can come and look at it. Of course, people act like cowards and do this so that they can gawk at the animal without the threat of actually getting killed by it. Humans are a fucked up species. Easily the worst. No other animal even comes remotely close. My idea is to put these people that run zoos into their own cages so that people that think like me about this subject can walk by them marveling at them. Naturally, I collect money at the door for admission. Shit, I just re-invented jail. Back to the point of the story: zoos and the people involved are fucked. Thanks for reading, but I have to go, my dog is barking to get out of her crate.

One

Remember that “one” shit? When people would say, “one” to mean goodbye on the phone. What the fuck was that all about? I’m not really sure, but I’ll tell you this, I’m glad it went away. I’ve got to go. One.

People I Can Do Without

Any serial killer with a deep rooted sense of humor.
Anyone who tries to use a one hundred dollar bill at a tag sale.
Any intellectual looking professor riding a unicycle down a major interstate highway.
Anyone who says, “I’m straight up from the ghetto, bitch!” in a southern accent.
Anyone who writes their will out in crayon.
Any pizza delivery driver with a long beard and a cat roaming freely in his car.
Any priest who retires to sell real estate.
Anyone who refers to fucking as copulating.
Any man with a mustache who’s also wearing an M&Ms hat.
Any guy with crinkle cut French fries hanging from his beard.
Anyone who uses their gum to blow bubbles during sex.
Anyone who says, “That’s my favorite scripture!” in an excited tone.
Anyone who refers to “fuck” as, “the F word.”
Any guy who wears an eye patch as a fashion statement.
Anyone who has their mom drop them off or pick them up at the bar.
Anyone who stores their bicycle in the middle of the living room.
Anyone who puts their ultrasound as their main Facebook picture.
Any athlete who uses steroids but still can’t seem to win a goddamn game.
Anyone who collects midgets for the sheer joy of it.
Any old guy who gleefully recalls him time in the Nazi party.
Anyone who calls me “boss.”
Any man who fashions himself a “masturbation connoisseur.”
Anyone who takes a dump in a bar bathroom.
Anyone always awaiting the return of Jesus.
Anyone taking a piss in a public restroom while wearing headphones.
Any country singer who writes a song with “grilled cheese” as a lyric.
Any man alone in the middle of a field playing with a stick.
Any bisexual necrophiliac with standards.
Any old guy with a holler back ring tone.
Anyone who thinks the solution to world hunger is to breast feed the starving.
Any girl who gets drunk and does cart wheels in the middle of my living room.
Any woman over the age of 20 whose favorite color is hot pink.
Anyone who wants to install a water slide at a funeral home.
Any man who wears basketball shorts to a bar.

Faithless Christ

Heaven’s light so bright it's blinding. Wandering in hopes of stumbling into paradise. Unfulfilled promises drive the part time ritual for a faithless Christ. Forever tripping into a perfect stance onto steeples. Feeling-devoid emotions only feeding the aimless cycle. The ultimate salvation not worth saving.

If You Ever See My Act, You'll Understand

Fellow comedian Joe Possemato, the one I suggested you all should take notice of, sent me this image he made. I find it necessary to share with the world. If you see my stand up routine, you might experience the joke this picture represents.

Information For You

The end of the world started somewhere about the time that we started putting coats on dogs.

God Is Everything

If god created everything, then god is in everything. If god created everything, then god is everything. Both good and bad. God is all things. He created it all, he is part of it all. That is the only way it can be. Just as though your kid is part you. This is why Jesus was saying he was the son of god. He didn’t mean literally. Me meant he was a child of god. God was inside him. He was god, god was him. That is what he meant by this. He didn’t mean literally that someone came down and impregnated a woman with God’s sperm. How dumb are people? They take such a great, high thought/concept as Jesus had (about him being the son of god) and they take it literally and have to make up a stupid story to support it. Jesus needed no story. He knew he was the son of god, as we all are, if we realize it. He said he was god because he was god. So was everyone else. They just didn’t know it. That is what he meant by it. None of this other shit about being born of a virgin, talking to god, etc. That is all just the dumb people following Jesus attempting to realize and make what he said make sense in their own heads because they were too dumb to realize he didn’t mean this shit literally.

I Don't Know

(A and B are sitting on a bench eating M&Ms)
A: What’s that thing in the sky?
B: It looks like an unidentified flying object.
A: That makes no sense. It’s flying, it’s an object, but you just identified it. How can it be unidentified if you just identified it?
B: Yeah, but it’s still a unidentified flying object.
A: If you call it a unidentified flying object, it is no longer an unidentified flying object.
B: But I’m not sure what it is, I can’t identify it.
A: OK, but don’t call it an unidentified flying object then. By calling it a an unidentified flying object, it no longer is. It says it right in the name: “unidentified.” Once you say that it is something, it has an identity and can no longer be known as unidentified.
B: What do I call it then?
A: It is just a flying object, an FO. Maybe it is an identified unidentified flying object. An IUFO.
B: Well, that would make sense. We have identified it, but we don’t know what its identity is, so it is an identified unidentified flying object.
A: But that statement is contradictory. How can it be both identified, yet unidentified at the same time? That is paradoxical.
B: FUCK YOU! You can’t just have a normal conversation. You have to turn everything into this stupid philosophical linguistics bullshit.
A: However, maybe we could call it an unidentified identified flying object.
B: Now I’m getting pissed.
A: Wait, no, calling it an unidentified identified flying object is just as paradoxical as calling it an identified unidentified flying object.
B: Shut the fuck up!
A: I’m just trying to identify that unidentified thing that is flying.
B: All I know is this: you see that thing in the sky there? I have no clue what the fuck it is.
A: Me either. I just know it’s not a UFO.
B: Stop eating all my M&Ms you asshole.
A: I don’t even know why I hang out with your feeble minded, thoughtless, boring ass.
(A and B go back to eating M&Ms)

A Kool Thought

I wonder what flavor of Kool-Aid Jim Jones used. Because if it was grape, I bet half of those people would still be alive. Who would even try it? That grape stuff is terrible. I did some research. It wasn’t Kool-Aid, it was Flavor Aid. Couldn’t he at least get the name brand stuff? And, it was grape. These people deserved it. We don’t need more fuckers walking around who enjoy grape Flavor Aid. And, wouldn’t you be kind of pissed that Kool-Aid gets the free advertising when it was actually your product that was used? Maybe they are happy to not be identified with all that. I don’t know. I’m asking you.

A Didactic Letter (Sorry Liz)

This is going to sound really racist, because, well, it is. But, it's also funny. So, it's worth it. Plus, both people I told this to laughed, and I feel it's necessary to point it out. Anyway, it is a letter written by myself to a community of people in order to inform them of something they don't know.

Dear Spanish People:

Your music sucks. Yes, all of it.

Sincerely, John Christopher Pitroff

Whoring Something Other Than Myself For A Change.

Doing comedy, I get to meet a lot of funny people. Joe Possemato is one of those people. I have been doing an open mic with this guy every Wednesday at The Comedy Beach Club at The Red Parrot in Hull for the past few months. He's always original, always funny, and is a wikipedia of knowledge (except that he is always correct with his information, unlike wikipedia). His obscure references make Dennis Miller look foolish by comparison. His impersonations are spot on. I have personally witnessed Dusty Rhodes, Bob Dylan, The Bee Gees, Louis Armstrong, and The Ultimate Warrior. Check out his youtube account, where he posts video blogs. Also, it would be worth your while to watch his television show, Weymouth After Dark, that he hosts with his brother, Frank, another comedian that I consider a friend. Keep an eye on Weymouth After Dark, because your truly will be appearing soon. Thanks for reading.

Nothing Has Been Pissing Me Off

Surprisingly, nothing lately has been pissing me off. I have been in a joke orientated state of mind, attempting to work on my stand up routine. So, I have been letting a lot of things that would usually piss me off go unnoticed. Well, I will not worry, because there is plenty in the world to piss me off, no doubt. That shit is bound to come to me. Anyway, here is something I wrote:

Hitler could do anything he wanted. Any-fucking-thing. He could do whatever he wanted. Same goes for a lot of the other tyrants. My question is, why don’t good people get to do whatever they want? That is sad. The good natured people aren’t allowed to do what they want and spread their good, but the evil bad people are allowed to do whatever they want and influence others to do bad as well. Usually, the good natured don’t get to do what they want because they don’t want to do whatever they want, they just want to help people. They aren’t selfish. Fear lets you be able to do whatever you want.

They're In Control

They’re in control. Credit cards know our purchases. Phones know our conversations. Cameras are everywhere. GPS can find you wherever you are. The elite are watching you. They know where you are going, who you are going with, what you are doing, and when you are coming back. They know everything about you. What you look at on your computer. They want computers to run the world because then they will be the ones who can hack into them and change how much money you have on your credit card. They are in control now. Soon to be world domination by the elite who control your lives via plastic and barcodes. It isn’t far away that they own you when you are born. You are given a card that says how much money you have, when you are born, and it is forever changed, like a debit card. But, someone has access to the account, other than yourself. If there isn’t someone else, the machines are running the world, and that doesn’t work. Therefore, they, the elite, can hack in and take your money. Which is really theirs if they want it. There’s no freedom. If someone wanted to be listening to this right now, they could be. Go somewhere, if they want, they know your every move. Cameras are watching you, they are tapping your phones if they want, they know everything you are buying, where you are buying it, and how much you paid for it. Keep sleeping because soon enough it will be 1984.

Tree house green sunlight Joseph Smith apocalypse Jordan clit.

Tree house green sunlight Joseph Smith apocalypse Jordan clit.

That sentence makes sense to me. I somehow matched those words up in that order to have it make sense within my brain. Well, except the Jordan part, that really doesn’t make sense. I will no longer do sentences that you can’t understand…Now that I think about it…it doesn’t really make that much sense. (He’s still thinking about that?) Yes, I am. But, honestly, it really does make sense to me. However, I can understand why it doesn’t equate to an actual thought pattern in your mind. It’s not treehouse, it’s tree (period) house (period). Not one word, but two distinct, separate ideas. That’s where your thought is off and why you can’t understand it. If that sentence ever makes sense to you, please call me. We belong together. I cannot give away how it makes sense to me, that would take all the fun out of it. You would have to know me to understand it anyway. The only person who will ever understand that sentence is me because I lived it and I am the only one who can match those words to different thoughts in my brain and have it come out making sense. This whole paragraph probably doesn’t even make sense to you, but fuck it. I understand what’s going on.

A Small Note Of Interest

I once saw a guy wearing a “We Run Boston” T shirt, but he was sitting on the T, riding it alone, at 12:11 AM on a Wednesday morning (St. Patrick’s Day 2009). Yeah, man, you really run this town. On public transit, by yourself, after midnight.

Faith Is Killing This Species

It is my belief that faith is killing this species. The idea that we should always hope for something instead of actually doing what is necessary to do it will be the end of humanity. In addition to faith, technology is going to kill us. I am telling you right now, with a combination of these two things, humans will not be here for very long. Mark my words. Please, write this shit down, I'm predicting it. Technology and faith will be the death of the human race. Have a good day.

This Is A Response To Rikishi And Lambert On Going Green (which was too long of a reply to post under replies)

The whole going green movement is usually a lot of bullshit. I think there are some genuinely good natured people out there who do this to actually help, but you really have to keep your eye on it because as you noted, there are always big inconsistencies involved. Personal greed usually plays a big part in most of these "causes." It is easy and takes little effort to have a bag that says go green, but how much effort is actually being put in? Most likely, none. Plus, how green are you going? You are printing it on a chopped down tree. That's why joining some of these movements is kind of an easy thing to do to make yourself look like you care by not actually doing anything.

A big example over here in the states is the whole, "Support The Troops" campaign. I see a lot of bumper stickers, and I really wonder, in what way do they want me to support? I have no clue. Sending money? That could help I guess. Cheering them on? Not going to do anything. Having their back because they are in a war that I don't agree with? That is expecting me to change my very ideals because you put an adhesive on the bumper of your car. Ultimately, do you want me to support them by putting a sticker on my car? A good way to look like you care without actually supporting in any way. If you really supported the troops, your ass would be beside them in a foxhole protecting them from gunshot. It is just so easy to join these "causes" without ever doing anything.

Thanks for reading.

Compete With This, Mother Fucker!

If If is If is If If if If is if only if If is If is If If If is not if if If is not If If is If only if If is If If if is is if is not if if is is if only when is is is then if is if if is is is.

Receipts Backwards Is St. Piecer. (however, this is irrelevant to this post)

Why are receipts so fucking big? I go to the supermarket, buy two things, and I get a foot and a half long piece of paper telling me about my purchase. The receipts now whore the store manager, the cashier’s name, websites for the store, card numbers, location of the store, telephone numbers, and tons of other useless crap that I don’t need. It is a waste of paper and ink and space in my wallet. If I get two items, it should list those items and when I bought them. Enough said. That is why I shop at goodwill. A very small, condensed receipt, tells me what I bought and when. No bullshit. These receipts are getting out of hand. Way too much useless shit on them. I think they do this to confuse you. So, if they rip you off, you have no clue where to look. There is too much on the receipt to see where the stuff you bought is and it’s corresponding price. It’s just a bunch of words trying to distract you from the money you just spent so that you will come back and do it again. That is why.

A True Tale of Friendship

Three friends: A, B, and C. C gets really drunk. C tries to grab A’s dick just for a laugh. A doesn’t know what to think. A kind of likes it because he thinks it is funny, yet at the same time he is such good friends with C, he is now worried that C might actually be gay-ly sexually attracted to him. B gets jealous because he feels he is not as attractive as A. B feels as though C should have tried to grab his dick. B feels as though his dick is not good enough or he is not as cool as A. C realizes that he has some gay tendencies. C realizes that he was so drunk, he doesn’t even remember trying to grab A’s dick, so therefore, deep down in his own head, C, must in some sort of way, want to grab A’s dick. In order to solve all of this tension, A, B, and C get together and have gay sex. B sucks C’s dick, but won’t suck A’s. Now A feels left out. D comes in and sucks them all off. It all ends with A, B, C, and D smiling (D has some stuff on his lip).

Answer Me This

Why isn’t there more to life than running a pattern and catching a pass? Or, watching some guy do it on TV. Why is that what the general public finds fascinating?

Absolute Mind Freedom Behind Bars

Overworked love soon flips to hated. A circle thinning into non existence. Reaching around to it’s wrath filled opposite. Emotions felt with totality struggle to regain their fullness; forever holding back thoughts of jealous revulsion.

Mind control continually softening your heart to another. A chain linking to infinity, cycling back again to its perfect beginning. Linear love equals opposite ends. Green with envy attempting to tie together with love and compassion. The trick to complete the task? None. Total annihilation of the publicly perceived notion brings about a necessary never-ending flow. Who is able? All. Who completes? Few. You know them.

The Rape Of The World (yes I stole this title from Tracy Chapman)

While watching, “Life After People” a documentary I bought that aired on The History Channel (which I highly recommend checking out), I realized that there’s a balance in nature. Gay people, infertile people, forest fires, floods, STDs, cancer, diseases etc. There’s a reason for all this. To cut down on the human population. Nature knows how to keep a balance. And, because it knows there are too many humans, it is doing things to put an end to that. There should be a balance where you are able to live with nature. If you don’t find that balance, you tip the scales too far one way and you are bound to die off. This is what humans are going through right now. There are far too many people alive right now and they can’t live with nature. They try to dominate it. If you try to dominate nature by creating damns, stopping forest fires, making huge cities by cutting down all the trees, creating paved roads everywhere, etc, nature will only come back to dominate you in the end. Humans will die off. Then, nature will show its dominance once again. If we learned to live off the land, using fire at its most base level to keep us warm, to cook our food and to light our living areas, we wouldn’t be in trouble. But, now we have grown accustomed to needing electricity all the time. What happens if that is gone? We can’t survive. That is because instead of living with nature (fire), we try to dominate and control it in our own way (electricity) and get too ahead of ourselves technologically. See, we think we have control of it. But we don’t. As soon as we are gone, nature takes back over and rips down our buildings, breaks apart our roads turning them to grass, turns our cities into mountains, and shows it has always dominated. It all turns back into green and brown forests with trees, streams and lakes. Nature will let humans think they have control because it is so strong and so smart and so balanced that it knows it can never be taken over. It has no worries. If you try to dominate nature like humans try to do, instead of trying to live within it, it will in turn dominate you. If humans could learn to live off the land instead of raping the land, maybe humanity would survive a bit longer. Always remember, we are part of nature, not separate from it.

Stupidity Of Humans: The Sports Edition!

They used to use pennies in flags in the NFL. Until someone got hit in the eye.

The goal post used to be at the front of the end zone in the NFL. Until people kept running into it.

The basketball hoops didn’t have the bottoms taken out originally. Until people got sick of climbing a ladder and retrieving the ball.

James Naismith, the inventor of basketball, wasn’t a genius. He was a retard. He invented a game where you throw a ball into a basket, but then have to stop everything to retrieve the ball from inside the basket. It took years to figure out to just take the bottom out of the basket? This guy was not a genius, he was a retard. Because, he had a good idea, but didn’t finish it. It’s like if a guy invented tennis but forget to think of rackets.

Getting Some Response

I'm glad to say that I have been getting more comments than usual. Also, my page hit has gone up a bit more than usual lately (this, however, is possibly because I sign in about 6 times a day to check it). I might finally be catching on, which is nice. Through my networking amongst comedians, finding new "internet friends" via facebook, whoring myself and this blog wherever possible, and having my loyal readers (thanks Mom), I have finally established somewhat of an audience (as far as I can tell). Because of this, be looking for more frequent updates and posts. I like getting a response, so I will post as much as possible.

I am really busy now that I am no longer a bum and actually have a job. Also, with wrestling practice two nights a week, wrestling shows every few weekends, and stand up open mics at least three times a week, I am pretty much busy every night of the week. However, writing is my #1 priority because I love it. So, I will attempt to post more frequently than I have in the past. However, I can't guarantee anything too well written unless it is a weekend and I have time to sit down and take time to actually write an entire article.

I always keep notes on things so I will be posting thoughts that run through my head on a daily basis (trust me, there is some interesting shit in there). Just wanted to update any readers to let them know to be checking out the blog more often because I will be posting more often. Thanks for reading.

Cunt Ball Hair (title be Chris DeLeigh)

I was at a bar having a beer when the topic of murder came up. The guy next to me said “the best way to murder someone is to use a gun.” The bartender stopped him and said, “You can’t use a gun, it’s too messy.” A third man interjected and said, “Not only that, but you want to torture the guy first. You don’t want him to die quick. You want him to die a painful, terrible, agonizing death.”

The first guy replied, “The more I think about it, the more you are right. I guess you would have to first really torture him to get that really good feeling inside your own head.” The bartender then added, “maybe you could rip off his fingernails and pee on them.” Then, I said, “I have to go.” Then, all three of them said, “You aren’t going anywhere.” Then, I said, “don’t touch me there.“

Now, I am writing this from their basement. I’m using the blood and urine from the tips of my fingers where my nails used to be. I guess all I’m trying to say is that I wouldn’t go to that bar again.

Gay Wrestling

Last night at the Academy Awards, Sean Penn won for Best Actor In A Leading Role for his portrayal of Harvey Milk, the firt openly gay man to be elected to office in California. Mickey Rourke, who was up for the same award as, Randy "The Ram" Robinson (an aging pro wrestler) in The Wrestler, lost.

It is now out in the open and totally true, supported by evidence of the Oscars: The main stream opinion of wrestling is so bad that they like fags better (I like to use their hateful slang). I am all for gay rights and I love pro wrestling, but I never thought I'd see the day when the realization hit that pro wrestling is less accepted by the mainstream, general public than men having sex with one another. This is a weird world we live in, folks. Men having sex with each other; totally cool. Men rolling around with one another fake fighting; totally gay.

With the large amounts of gay-bashers out there, and their total hate and devotion to the cause of attempting to control someone else's sex life, I never thought pro wrestling could be hated on even more. The Oscars are just a great example of the public opinion of wrestling.

Fuck all these people, wrestling is the shit.

Perhaps I am totally off and I shouldn't be mad that wrestling is still not respected by most people, but I should be happy that gay rights are finally getting their do. I should probably be looking at this in a totally different way and be overjoyed at the fact that this country has finally come around on the idea of homosexual people and are finally starting to accept them (about fucking time). That is a real positive.

While I'm on the subject of The Wrestler and telling people to fuck off, you know what, fuck Mickey Rourke too. Fuck Mickey Rourke for not wrestling at WrestleMania because it would ruin his public opinion and thus might lose him the Oscar. That is as if Sean Penn was invited to speak at a GLAAD event and turned it down because it would ruin his image and lose him movie roles in the future. Fuck Rourke for not standing up for wrestling when wrestling is the basis for the movie that brought his career out of wherever the hell it was.

Maybe Sean Penn was way better than Mickey Rourke and deserved the Oscar. I don't know. I only saw The Wrestler. I thought Rourke did a great job as Randy The Ram. But, I am biased because I'm a wrestling fan.

As Mick Foley said in an interview, "Professional wrestling will never be respected, no matter how many teeth I lose, no matter how many ears I lose, no matter how many brain cells have to die."

I don't know, I just had to get some of that off my chest, it was bothering me.

In the future, I will not start reading about time on the IEP at 2 in the morning...

...because I was up until about 4:30 in the morning reading and writing about it.

**This isn't meant to be well written or have any sort of sentence structure or proper language. This is simply notes (unedited) that I wrote to myself while reading about time early one morning at The Internet Encyclopedia Of Philosophy. Try to keep up with me, I hadn't slept in a while.**

The confusion is because there are two different times. Your own time, and the basic time for everyone (clocks, the reason a pendulum sways back at a certain rate). Don’t confuse them. But, at the same time, time only exists through you. It wouldn’t be here if you didn’t make it be. So, once you don’t exist, time doesn’t exist. In this way, time exists, yet at the same time, it doesn’t exist. Just like your life. It is here for a bit, then gone. It goes off into time out. (joke) Or, it goes to time heaven or time hell (joke). It is paradoxical, but it is both. Like almost anything else, time is another thing that is dual in nature. It is, yet it is not, at the same time.

What is time? This right here. Me writing this. Me being here and doing this and taking up time and using my brain. Time is in your mind and in your brain. You could, in theory, stretch your psychological time out enough to be able to live a long time. I guess, in theory, you could live forever in your own mind. In reality, you do live forever in your own mind.

When you sleep, that time isn’t recognized by you. Eight hours go by, but you don’t know what happened. You could, theoretically, do the opposite of sleeping with your mind. Somehow stretch it the other way so not much normal time actually passes by, but in your own time, you were able to do a lot. That is why I feel like I can almost live forever. I can stretch my own time out and be able to keep it at a certain pace in my own mind, regardless of what the clock on the wall says. I might live to be 80 years old, but how many mind years did I live? In these past three years writing and thinking, I’ve probably put in more like 20 solid mind years. I’ve stretched those 3 normal time/clock time years into 20 in my own head and that is why I am smart and able to attain a lot of knowledge.

But, as I was saying, when you sleep, you use up 8 clock hours, but you don’t really know how many mind hours you used. You just go to sleep, then you wake up. What happened? How much time went on in your mind clock? You just went to bed one second and woke up the next. You have no recollection of how long it was. It could have been 5 minutes, it could have been an hour, it could have been 8 hours. Your mind doesn’t know what the clock on the wall says. The clock time is insignificant to your mind clock. You just wasted 8 hours of life (wall clock time, which, is the one that decides your death, that is why you have to keep track of clock time), but in your own mind, it was only a few seconds. You have to be able to, within that wall clock time frame that you are alive (nowadays most live to be 60 or 70 or so), you have to be able to live many more years within your own mind clock and get more years in.

The wall clock decides your death, but your mind clock can be infinitely within that wall clock. We all die, it is a matter of clock time. But, how many years you live in your mind time has no association and is insignificant to how many years have gone by on the calendar. Just like when you sleep and it was 8 hours to the clock but one second to you.

Time is like a circle. Not in the sense that once you die you are reborn and come back around. No, not like that. Not like a bent line that meets up with itself. Because, that is all that a circle is. A bent line that curves around to meet it’s beginning. And, time isn’t a line either. You can go back and forth in your own mind to the past or future. That isn’t linear. Time is like a circle in that time is within the circle. It is inside the circle. It makes the circle what it is. It freely flows within the circle. Able to go to the beginning using thought (thinking back to your childhood), to the end (when you die), or anywhere in between, and wherever you happen to be at the time is wherever you are bouncing around within the circle. Where does it start and where does it end? That doesn’t matter, because you are within in. A circle doesn’t have a beginning or an end, but being inside the circle is even less of having a beginning or an end, because you are not on the curved line that makes up the circle. You just are. You are just floating within it. It doesn’t really have a beginning or end, it just is (your life).

Infinity exists within your head (mind). You can make it happen.

I took a time machine back to 10 years before they created the first time machine. I’m fucked, because now I can’t get back to the present. I’ll just have to wait around 10 years until they create the first time machine, at which time, I can take that time machine back to the present, which is now something like 20 years in it’s own past. I’m not really sure what time it will be when I get back to my present, but I’ll tell you one thing, that bag of Doritos I left open will definitely be stale.

You can never travel to your own future, because you are always stuck in your moment of the mind. You are always stuck in your present. You can’t jump out of that and jump into your own future. You make your future. You can travel to someone else’s future, though. But, you being in someone else’s future is still only their present. It’s not the future for them, it’s the present (the moment of the mind) So, you can travel to someone else’s future, but, what if that person knew you? What if I travel to my mom’s future, say to 2010, and ask her what I am doing for a job and where I am living in her present. Because, it is always her present. It is always her moment of the mind, she isn’t in the future. She only is. I am in the future, hers. So, could I possibly go to 2010 and jump into my moms future and ask her what I am doing for a living or does that mean if I find out, I have somehow jumped into my own future by learning about what I would be doing in the future?

If I had a time machine, I’d travel to a time when people no longer debated time travel.

The Non-Contradictory Paradox

Death by living life. Running the life race to its cliff end death. Winning by losing the most. Time fallen into wasteland becomes its most useful. A hollowness; the very essence of the holding area.

Wasting time in life thinking of death. Wasting nothing in death unable to think of life. The trueness of a false statement makes it true. The falseness; its only truth. Reality? The only realness: its lack thereof.

Slaughter by a peaceful action. Misconstrued goodness turned poor judgment to hate. What happened? Saving life means only death. Suicidal selfishness becoming your selfless motivation for life.

Selfless selfishness becoming greed for survival, survival becoming greed for material. Material matter forgotten as the realm of mental instability is able to stand.

Legless life stands on its self. A dissected mutation creates a new totality. Perfect in being, new now. Once old, antique.

A newborn within the time of being is at once the sage. Knowing nothing when new, knowing all when old. The unattainable is not so. Soon to be just it’s opposite.

Nourishment from life, an equal amount from death. All is a futile attempt to cease from its death, but it forever survives, forever lives. Death; forever living. The rotting carcass with a flicker of substance, unbeknownst, a protruding vivid beginning apocalypse.

Oxygen choking the esophagus. The sightless sees but cannot know. The conventional tries to know but can't even see.

Yours is mine. Juxtaposed, in turn, duality belongs to your essence. Ours together is its own.

Family Guy Clip

This is a clip of Family Guy I made by picking different "idea balls" out of an "idea tank" and putting them in a "joke combine." I stole the idea from South Park to see if it really works. Thanks to my sister, Liz, for coming up with the "idea balls." Only one person will probably get this joke, but it's worth it.

Today's Horoscope

You will read this horoscope. You will misattribute it to your life. You will forget the things that are wrong, and you will remember the things that are right. You will forget that millions of people are born within a month time frame, and they aren’t all alike. You will focus your mind solely on what sounds like it applies to you. You will forget to realize that if you read the other horoscopes, you could apply them to your life just as much as the one you read for your sign. You will apply them to your life and base your life altering decisions on what some writer in an office somewhere is thinking up. You will be misled and misinformed by what someone else who doesn’t know you thinks of your life for some small feeling of reason and order in your life.

Quick Answers To A Jehovah’s Witness Tract

These are the real questions on a four page Jehovah's Witness tract that some guy gave me on the T. The tract gives a paragraph answer to each. Instead of that, I have made it much easier and given my own quick answers. I might print out my own tract and hand it out.

Does God really care about us?
No.

Will war and suffering ever end?
No.

What happens to us when we die?
There is no way to know.

Is there any hope for the dead?
No.

How can I pray and be heard by God?
You can’t.

How can I find happiness in life?
Depends.

It's Been A While

It's been a while since I have posted anything. I am still writing every day, but I have been busy doing a bunch of other stuff too. I finally started doing some open mics, so a lot of my writing has been joke writing. Until I write anything worthy of posting, these interesting quotes will have to hold you over.

The only thing wrong with Christianity is that nobody's tried it yet. - H.L.Mencken

Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there. - Will Rogers

Don't ask the barber whether you need a haircut.

An enemy is anyone who tells the truth about you. - Elbert Hubbard

A man can succeed at almost anything for which he has unlimited enthusiasm. - Charles M. Schwab

If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.

If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything. - Mark Twain

It is better to say nothing and have people think you are stupid than to open your mouth and remove any doubt.

Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so. - Bertrand Russell

Nature has given us two ears but only one mouth. - Benjamin Disraeli

The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher esteem those who think alike than those who think differently. - Neitzsche

The world is but a canvas to the imagination. - Henry David Thoreau

Self-Centered Attention Seeking Nonsense

This is simply a post for me to brag and gloat about the shows I attended this year.

1. George Carlin
Sunday, March 16, 2008
Ulster Performing Arts Center
Kingston, NY
Notes: The entire “It’s Bad For Ya” set live just over two weeks after it was on HBO. Is there more to say? It’s Carlin, for Christ’s sake.

2. Meshuggah
Sunday, April 27, 2008
The Palladium
Worcester, MA
Notes: 2nd row. Fucking awesome, although they weren’t on stage long enough. Thomas Haake live, ten feet from me. Does it get better? Plus, they played “The Mouth Licking What You’ve Bled.”

3. George Carlin
Friday, May 2, 2008
Calvin Theater
Northampton, MA
Notes: Notes: 7th row. This was only a few months before he died. He did the “It’s Bad For Ya Set” again. I was the only person to give him a standing ovation when he came out and when he left. This was the best set I had seen from him live. Crowd loved him.

4. Lewis Black
Sunday, July 20, 2008
Palace Theater
Albany, NY
Notes: Great set. He had the audience laughing at the fact that they weren’t laughing. This guy is brilliant. Almost got backstage by telling the souvenir guy that Black is my uncle.

5. The Eagles
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
TD Banknorth Garden
Boston, MA
Notes: I had last row tickets at the top of the Garden. Great show, but I was too far to really feel it. Although, I did sneak down at the end and got to check out the last few songs live. I wouldn’t have been able to die happy if I hadn’t seen these guys live. “In The City” was sick.

6. The Police
Friday, August 1, 2008
Saratoga Performing Arts Center
Saratoga Springs, NY
Notes: I went to this one with Liz and Haggan. We got the first row of lawn seats. We were kind of far away, but it was a good show. Another band I felt as though I had to see before my death. Played a really cool percussion version of, “Wrapped Around You Finger,” my favorite of theirs.

7. Disturbed & Slipknot
Saturday, August 16, 2008
New England Dodge Music Center
Hartford, CT
Notes: 1st row. I went with the Haggan siblings, and Mike’s girlfriend, Megan. This was probably the show I enjoyed most out of the entire year. I had perfect seats (that I snuck down to), went with cool people, and saw two bands I had wanted to see for a long time. I really got into it and was able to start a mosh pit on the closing, “(Sic)” Both bands are perfect live. I was able to catch Joey Jordison’s drumstick at the end, although I ended up having to rightfully give it to the one guy who had two hands on it. Words really can’t describe how awesome this was.

8. TNA Wrestling
Saturday, September 7, 2008
Times Union Center
Albany, NY
Notes: 1st row. I brought my Dad to me with this one to show him a good time. Two drunk guys were there with us all night, so we had a blast. We were right near the ring all night so I created some ruckus. The man himself, Kurt Angle was there, and through my consistent chanting, I was able to get a nod of approval from him (I‘m still 10 years old inside when I go to wrestling shows). Insane fun.

9. TNA Wrestling
Saturday, October 4, 2008
Glens Falls Civic Center
Glens Falls, NY
Notes: 3rd row. This time I brought Liz. We used to go to wrestling shows, but it had been a long time. At first, Liz was hesitant, but once she saw how fun it could be, she had a good time. As for me, I of course, made my good time. Some really drunk guy made Liz and I laugh harder than I had at any of the comedy shows I had been to this year. “Get the faggott!” and “Stomp the fatass!” can only be heard at a wrestling show and be laughed off. I bought the opportunity for Liz to get a picture with AJ Styles and Samoa Joe afterward, and met Booker T and Christy Hemme in the parking lot. I asked Earl Hebner to sign something with, “I screwed Bret,” but he wouldn’t go for it. (look up Montreal Screwjob if you didn’t get that reference).

10. Insane Clown Posse
Sunday, October 12, 2008
The Palladium
Worcester, MA
Notes: I had always wanted to see the clowns live, and it was an experience. The juggalo community was real cool. Never meant so many open minded people in my life. I somehow worked my way up to 2nd row. I have never been to such a wild show. Meshuggah and Slipknot was nothing compared to the amount of moshing and crowd surfing. I was literally sore from my ribcage sticking into the backbone of the girl in front of me all night. By the end of the show, I slipped into the front row and was drenched with Faygo. Honestly, it was as if I had just taken a bath in a tub of soda. Got to pat Shaggy on the back as he walked by and caught an entire bottle of Faygo. I probably won’t go to a plain rap show ever, because of the lack of actual instruments. The clowns, however, kept it interesting enough with the soda, lighting, and theatrics, as well as the crowd being totally into it, so I would see them again.

11. WWE Survivor Series 2008
Sunday, November 23, 2008
TD Banknorth Garden
Boston, MA
Notes: I sat 7th row camera side, on TV all night, and didn’t even buy a ticket. I decided to go down to the Garden just to create some trouble with wrestling fans and see if I could sneak in. After sneaking to the back where the production trucks were, I soon got kicked out. I came upon a guy giving a speech with about fifteen people around him. I was curious, so I acted like I was part of the group. Next thing I know, he hands me two complimentary 12th row floor seats. Nice. Forty five minutes into the show the same guy comes up and tells me and three other people to go with him. I thought I was being kicked out. No. I was moved to the seventh row facing the camera. Pick up the DVD, I’m on there all night. As for the show, it was awesome.

12. WWE Smackdown
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
Times Union Center
Albany, NY
Notes: I brought my Dad, Liz, and Rose Bud to this one. We had a great time. They filmed two whole episodes of Smackdown, so it was a long show. Josh & I both went nuts. By the end of the show, Josh screaming, “UN-DER-TA-KER” and me “WOO-ing” at the top of the arena attracted as much attention as the show itself. The highlight was me chanting “snow cone guy” because Liz wanted one and he was nowhere in sight.

13. Top Rope Promotions Wrestling
Friday, November 28, 2008
Turn Hall
Adams, MA
Notes: Pete invited me to this one. We bought front row tickets, and it was awesome. One of the best shows of the year. I told Pete he would have more fun at a wrestling show than anything he had ever been to, and he agreed by the end of the night (he actually said it was better than going to Yankees games). I went absolutely nuts and was able to get almost every wrestler to talk shit to me. One guy challenged anyone in the audience to wrestle and I got in his face. He was on the mic and said, “I want to fight a man, not some little girl.” Classic shit. Spike Dudley hit me on the head with a stick on accident. I wanted to bring James, but after going, I realized it probably wasn’t a good idea quite yet. Next year.

14. Bill Burr & Christian Finnegan Comedy
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
MCLA Venable Gym
North Adams, MA
Notes: I brought my Mom to this show. Each guy did about an hour set. Awesome stuff. I had never seen Finnegan’s act before, and he was real funny. I had seen Burr before at MCLA, but this time he had a new social commentary type material. It reminded me a lot of Bill Hicks and George Carlin. The audience wasn’t quite with him (who the fuck doesn’t laugh at searching youtube for “people getting attacked by animals?), but I was. I met him after the show and told him I liked the new attitude. Check him out, he’s great.

15. The Slutcracker: A Burlesque
Sunday, December 14, 2008
Somerville Theatre
Somerville, MA
Notes: Ashley invited me to this show. I can only describe it as a burlesque/dance/stripper/play type thing. It was interesting to say the least. It was basically The NutCracker with a lot of sexual overtones, including a giant dildo on stage that came glitter and a lot of exposed breasts with pasties. Good stuff.