Tuesday, November 22, 2011

People I Can Do Without

  • Any doctor who uses the word “Oops” as a frequent part of their vocabulary.
  • An old school pro wrestler proudly attempting to take credit for being the guy who started the habit of using steroids in the business.
  • Anyone who calls their mother “dude.”
  • Anyone snobby about how much money they don’t have.
  • Anyone with a homemade “Snot Rocket World Champion” plaque hanging above their fireplace.
  • Anyone sitting in their car watching youth football practice who is in no way related to any of the players.
  • Anyone totally on the up and up on Gallagher.
  • Anyone whose favorite professional sports league is the WNBA.
  • Anyone who puts jerking off on their list of things to do this week.
  • Any guy who is so bad with women that he can’t even get laid by a hooker…even after paying her.
  • Anyone whose only constant in life is masturbation.
  • Anyone who orders pizza delivery for their dog.
  • Anyone who stops and says, “Wait, let me put my bling on first” right before sex.
  • Anyone who can spell “inconvenience” but not “convenience.”

Monday, November 21, 2011

The Mangerment Wants To Thank You

Colombia Street, Adams (next to Angelina's).

An Early Thanksgiving

I sit and cry about how good I have it. I can’t help it. I am that blessed. I am that lucky. Something, somewhere, and the people around me have been worth it all. They have all been so great to me. There are tears on my chest as I write this that fell from my eyes which came from my heart, which is nothing but part of my soul. Thank you. Thank you for reading. Thank you for being part of my life. Thank whatever there is to thank for giving me life. Thank you for blessing me. Thank it all for giving me the gift of life that I have. Thank you all, I don’t ever want to take any of it for granted. Thank you.
I don’t know. I’m glad about that. I like the mystery.

Recent Thoughts Going Through My Mind

Hey, everybody, look! They are selling the church! That church is for sale! God is looking to cash in. Times are tough, even with all the tithing. Check it out, god uses Monarch Realty. Everyone, look, they are selling the church! Line up, the house of god is being traded for green paper with some ink on it.

War: Why would you voluntarily go to a country in which the people living there are desperately doing everything they can to leave?

Give us today our daily McDonalds
and forgive us our assholeness
as we forgive those who are assholes to us
and lead us not into a one world nation
but deliver us from rock & roll music.

In order to be good at something, you just have to love it enough to make it so.

One time I breastfed my laptop.

Black & Mild cigars are more than a dollar a piece. It is getting expensive to kill yourself nowadays.

Bacne. Nothing more need be said.

Life in the fast lane? That’s not really me. Instead, I’m parked sitting on my bike over off to the side of the road watching it all.

I’m critical of others because I don’t want to realize all the things about myself that there are to be critical of.

Joke at my funeral. Please, for the love of all that is good in this world, someone remark about how shitty I look there. I would. Please, don’t hold back. Make fun of me. For fuck sake I want to get at least a laugh out of this shit. Fuck when I die I hope people at least get a fucking laugh out of it. I’d like somebody to at least get a smile out of the shit.

People call their significant other “honey” as a pet name. Honey is bee vomit. I am as confused as you about this.

Everyone is truly agnostic. No one can truly know.

Things that piss me off: People who pronounce cousin as “cousint.’ There is no “t” in cousin. Can we understand this as a society? Please, stop saying “cousint.” It makes no sense. Not too far from this is people saying “ant” when pronouncing “aunt.” This needs to stop too. It’s these little things that eat at me.

I had life in my hand and it slipped through my fingertips like sand.

Toy fake dog at Wal-Mart: $46.87. Real dog anywhere else: Free.

Sweatpants & Tea

This is not worth writing and even less worth reading but hey fuck it, you just did anyway.

It’s a piece of cake to have your cake and eat it too. Actually, it’s as easy as pie. You know, still water runs deep. Oh, wait. That one doesn’t quite work there. I fucked up. I thought this would be easier. I thought it would be a cake walk. Ah! Yes, got you there, didn’t I?

USA. Boil it down. Humanity. Boil it down. Life. It all boils down to life.

I’m not one for jokes. That’s a joke.

Voicemail message: This is John Pitroff. You know that, though. Why am I telling you that shit? You already know that, you called me. If you didn’t know it’s me, then I probably don’t want to talk to you and have to wonder why you are calling me. If you are a bill collector - forget it. You might as well give up now. I need my money. I want my money. You aren’t getting it. Don’t even bother. Anyway, if you are someone I know then leave me a message and I will most likely get back to you, I can’t say I will for sure, I don’t know, I could get killed in some freak accident, hell, I might be dead right now for all I know. Well, let’s hope not, and perhaps I’ll talk to you later today after you leave me a message, if you made it through this message enough to leave one. Thanks.

What was Jesus doing for 32 years? Playing hacky sack? Building up his rock collection? Finding those hard to find vintage rare baseball cards? Learning yoga? Reading Bukowski? I bet you he was off somewhere with a boomerang in the middle of a field playing with himself. No, you know what he was doing? That fucker was learning to crotchet hats so that he didn’t have to spend money and could give hand made pillow cases and shit out for Christmas. This is almost as absurd as Jesus disappearing after his birth for 32 years and no one mentioning where the son of god/god himself in the flesh was or what he was doing.

How you doing Einstein? What you been up to Einstein? Did you learn to ride a bike yet? Still having problems with the woman at home? Decide to marry your cousin yet? How about those two boys of yours? Have you manned up and actually started taking care of them or you still ignoring them acting as if they don’t exist? You still not sure how to properly spread that peanut butter on that toast? What’s up Einstein? You still getting bitched at by your underage first cousin whom you married to take out the trash? Let me know what’s been going on in your life, old pal.

Inside my mind it’s graphic, like a novel, like my concepts.

When you make yourself a part of the Great Spirit, it makes itself a part of you.
The Road Towards Yourself

Follow your heart
it might be taking you somewhere
perhaps toward yourself
perhaps toward who you are