Saturday, February 18, 2012

Necessary Information

If you are black and want your kid to be rich and famous, just name them something weird. Shaquille, Lebron, Denzel, Oprah, Beyonce, Rihanna. Pretty much anything that spell check can’t recognize. Either that, or just name them Michael. Michael Jackson, Michael Jordan, Mike Tyson. There is no joke here, I’m just trying to help black people.

Jesus nose.

If Elvis had an identical twin, he’d never be out of a job because he could always work as an Elvis impersonator.

I see these two people walking together all the time when I am driving around delivering. Man and woman. Young. Early to mid twenties. They are always walking together. I never see them alone. They are always with each other when I see them. I just want to shout out, “I am jealous of your love!”

Good idea for an And 1 shirt: I’m going to eat your zone defense alive then shit out a layup on the other side.

Think about this as length: There exists such a thing known as “competitive eating.”

I have a washing machine. It’s called my hands.

What are biotics and why do I need anti ones?

A bunch of people pretending.

Cats love fish but you don’t see a cat with a fishing pole all that often.

Dick’s hasn’t had as much merchandise lately. They’ve been sucking. I went to BJ’s and they were out of nearly half of their food. They are starting to blow. Dick’s sucks and BJ’s blows. There you have it.

My HIV positive fiscal advisor was able to get me financial aids.

When the tie was created, humanity lost something. When it started being worn regularly, humanity lost a lot.

They have to invent a sexual act and call it The Rainbow Pelican.

There is a super hero named Iron Man. There should also be Iron Woman. This would just be a woman who is really good at ironing.

I am happy, but I could be so much happier, however, I could be far more unhappy.

I’ve had it up to here with tall people and midgets who let me down.

Shania Twain sang, “Man, I feel like a woman.” How so? Held down by society?

I threw my banana peel on North Summer Street in Adams, Massachusetts at approximately 2:56-2:57 pm on Friday February 17, 2012.

I throw my banana peels in different areas and write down where it was. It is just something I do. Don’t ask me why. I don’t really know why. I enjoy doing it.

Lesbian knick-knack.

I don’t believe in god, but I do believe in life. Okay? Do you get what that means? I might not believe in god in the sense that most people do, but I do believe in life, and that is even more powerful.

My confusion turned to hatred.
My love totally lost.

I’m just a tree that walks and talks. I am just a different form of life. We are all life, just different forms of it. I am a tree. I live off the food of the lands, the water of it too. I breathe in the air to stay alive. I need the sun to be here. I am just a tree that walks around. I am just a tree with a heartbeat, a tree that is able to talk. I am just a tree that does some different things. I am just a different form of life in that way.

People I Can Do Without
  • Any white woman from Montana who subscribes to Urban Ink magazine.
  • Any racist guy who remains so only until a person of the race he is bigoted against decides to sleep with him. (Anyone who is racist until their dick gets hard).
  • Anyone who sells their child for marijuana.
  • Any guy who puts a hat on amongst friends because he is having a bad hair day.
  • White people who refer to Atlanta as “A-T-L.”
  • Anyone who owns every ‘Lil Bow Wow album.
  • Any drug dealer who is always saying, “Gotta pay the bills somehow.”
  • Anyone who has no kids but collects baby carriages.
Thanks for reading. Love, John.

Religion thinks it knows. Philosophy realizes one can’t.

Wisdom is for the old. The young don’t need it.

Friday, February 17, 2012

Some Poems

In The Woods

Every tree reaches for the sun.
They never get there
but they do find enough of it
to make it worth it

We don’t always attain our goals
but in attempting to
we find purpose.

(Sat Feb, 11, 2012)

Now

Stop a minute.
Think about it.
You’ve never been in this spot before - ever, and you never will be again - ever!

Cherish it.
Reflect on it.
Delve into it.
Appreciate it.

It’s the only moment there is - now.

A Shadow Of What It Once Was

I look past you
like a stranger on the street

I stopped far too long
to get to know you
and wasted too much precious time

I look past you now
as if you aren’t there
because to me
you no longer are

(2/8/2012)

The Reason

Something to pass on
to someone who cares

Something to leave behind
that matters
some ideas
some thoughts
some of myself
here on a sheet to share

I might be gone
but this part of me doesn’t have to be

I might be gone
but I don’t want all the lessons squandered
all that I have thought I learned lost

The truth is
that realization of a truth
almost always comes too late-
after one has to live it themselves to learn it
but that won’t stop me
from passing these ideas on
to someone
to anyone
to nieces
nephews
children
whoever

I just don’t know how to do it otherwise
I just know
this is how I want it to be

(2/16/2012 6:56 am)

Don’t You Ever Forget It

Did you forget what it’s all about?
You must have.

Where did you go?
Why did you go away?

You must have forgotten what it’s all about.

Who will be there
at the funerals?

Who will be there
at the weddings?

Who will be there
when it matters most?

Who will be there to share in your joy
and also
in your sorrow?

Who will be there?

Don’t you ever forget.

Don’t you live in any other way
but your own.

Don’t you ever forget
just who has been there
and who will always be

Look around you and realize
there are so few
within a near infinity
with a connection enough to care
with a connection enough to be known of
as love

Don’t you ever forget it.

Who will be there?

Don’t you ever forget.

(2/16/2012 7:07 am)

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

I Have A Blog. This Is The Proof.

Patrick Ewing’s kneecaps.

This question promoting an upcoming show actually popped up at the bottom of The Dr. Oz show: “Has Montel Williams discovered the fountain of youth?” I’m going to go with no, no he did not. But, that was the hook they were trying to get viewers with. I shit you not.

The best thing George Clooney ever did was provide the voice for the dog on South Park. Well, that and Stacy Keibler.

There are no such thing as wives anymore. Husbands either. If there are, they are very, very rare. People might have the title of husband or wife, but let’s be real here and admit that it just isn’t what it is supposed to be.

A woman called into a radio station talking about her 13 year marriage that had ended, but she and her husband were working on their own lives so that they could get back together. They both planned to get together again once they had worked out everything in their own lives that they needed to. She said, “The love won’t die.” I thought, “and it never should.”

Exaggerated nothingness.

Heard on TV: “He’s lost a ton of weight.” That’s not possible.

Am I racist for expecting any random black person to know if Denzel Washington is in a specific movie?

Dear Humanity:

Please stop looking down at your phones and touching the screen with your finger. There are other things going on around you. Thank you.

Sincerely, a person


I’ve never been good at meeting people, and then I get to know certain ones and realize how glad I am that I’m not.

Swastika. I guess that’s less offensive than drawing it.

The monkey was going the bathroom, but all he wanted was his snack. He started acting out - went ape shit. He started going so gorilla it was bananas.

Don’t read this. What did I tell you?! Hey, stop it!

A (age 26): What do you really want to be when you grow up?
B (age 26): Free.
A: I wanna be nothing. Let’s be free and nothing together.

You are never done practicing how to take a shit.

“Cuddlefest! Yay! You’re the big spoon!” I just heard that. No lie. Imagine that being yelled in the gayest voice possible. That just happened in my life.

All emotion passes. Pass it on before it is lost.

My six chest hairs don’t like Barbies.

The only moment there ever is is now.

On an NCAA game on TV, one of the key points to winning for one of the teams was listed as “rebound emotionally.” I’m not sure what that means. Start crying as you crash the boards? Laugh when you tip it in?

If you think about it, you are always turning your back on something.

You grow up and truly learn what it means when they say that “nothing is perfect.” But I thought things were at least a little closer than this.

Money isn’t needed to save the environment. It just has to be left alone.

I went to Vegas. While I was there, I went to the casinos, had fun taking those little cards that people hand out on the street with the half naked women on them, and went to a few comedy shows. There. What happens in Vegas doesn’t necessarily stay in Vegas.

You never know who is sitting on your bench.

Heard on TV: “The Toyota Halftime Report, brought to you by Toyota.”

Did everything change, or just my idea of it? My opinion of it? My view of it? Did everything change, or did I? Is it a little of both?

Poop biscuit.

Everything is a birthmark.

Actual website: blackpeoplemeet.com You know what that website was in the past? Going to the ghetto. Or Africa. I don’t care how racist that sounds, I like it.

Actual website: christianmingle.com You know where I am going with this. You know what this website was in the past? Church. Or, NAMBLA.

When I was a kid I thought I had asthma. Turns out I was just fat.

Something I wish I could say: I haven’t missed a sunrise in 30 years.

It’s a fact that I keep my hacky sack in my fanny pack.

Nutsack cracker.

Some sort of metaphor: Sometimes it isn’t the dishes that need to be washed, but the rag that you use to do the dishes that does.