Saturday, April 14, 2012


Mental Vomit

You ever hear people say something is like, “attempting to put a square peg into a round hole.” Sometimes it is more like a square peg into an icosagon hole.

A memoir: I lived. I died.

Bumper sticker we need as a people: Indy Wrestling Mom.

The Eagles would have been even cooler if they were five dudes from a ghetto in Philly.

The world better never run out of whoopee cushions.

Peace Sign. Middle finger.
Peace & Love. Fuck You!

Life advice: Try not to get any physical ailment starting with the letters, “hemmorh.”

When I die and I am lying in the casket at my wake, I would like someone to place an unlit cigarette between my lips so it is hanging out of my mouth. Then, you can throw my body out of a helicopter into the woods, where it must remain untouched by people.

Stop putting stickers on my bananas!

A plastic Rubbermaid tote: Washing machine.
A piece of rope: A dryer.

Friday, April 13, 2012

Looking At The Clouds At Night

Life is an owl laughing at me
A cloud taunting me
A breeze swaying me
An idea ruining me
and some sort of hope of a better self holding me

(Sat December 4, 2010 Appx 3:55 am)
The Grasp

I found
that when I stopped trying to hold on
it was then
that I somehow
found something
that wanted to attach
to me

It is like
if I was on a cliff
and decided to let go
it would have been
some idea
like god
or Superman
or something
saving me
on the way down

When I finally decided to let go
of this idea of holding on
it was then I found
that holding on
holds on
to finding you

(1/26/2011 2:22 am)

I'm Serious

Grundle whiskers.

Can we as a people please stop pronouncing “man” as “mang” in an attempt to sound cool?

I know a lot about poop.

Some sort of metaphor: Even if you don’t make your bed you still have to sleep in it.

Your mom called and she wants her breast milk back.

Dare, even if it means being alone. Try, even if in the end is failure. Live, even though death awaits.

Thursday, April 12, 2012

“Please take the piece of ham off your face. I have this kielbasa that you can rub on your arm if you are really looking for a 2 x 4 to help you get through college.”

“Yeah, but Albert, I don’t like bananas. So it doesn’t matter how many times you go around on that Ferris Wheel, I am not going to swim across the Pacific Ocean for twenty dollars.”

“Hey, Karren, just bite off the edge of my large toe on my left foot, I have a hemorrhage in my ankle and I am not looking to go to any doctor as I have yet to pay my last bill at the regional hospital.”

“Dustin, can you please sweep the wind for me as Elroy forget to do it, although he did remember to dust the eternity within my eardrum.”

“Hey Larry can you please stop whistling the German theme sung during the Holocaust as I have six Jewish cats in the other room, and although they are all deaf, I still think it might doing something to their psyche because they haven’t eaten any of these live worms I have been giving them for food over the last six months.”
Every Step

Follow your heart
is might be taking you somewhere
you are supposed to be.

Follow your heart
you just might find
whatever it is
you might be looking for.

Follow your heart
it might make you find
something you didn’t even know you wanted to.

Follow your heart
it might put you in a place
where things come together
as they are supposed to.

Follow your heart
it is too meaningful not to.

Follow your heart
it is the only road
toward yourself.

Follow you heart.

It is where you are supposed to be.

Follow your heart.

Being on that road
is in itself enough.


Tuesday, April 10, 2012

I don't know.

Neither do you.

You might think you do.

You don't.

No one does.

No ones knows.

Nonsensical Ramblings

Thank you something.

Just what the hell is a foghorn?

“What would Jesus do?” is an interesting thought. So is, “What wouldn’t Hitler do?”

The intersection of love and hate shouldn’t be there.

A joke with no punch line: The one constant in my life is that I have always thought Horace Grant was unique because of his goggles. Well, that and being racist.

Life is a road that comes back around to where it started.

Household tip: If you ever want apple sauce but don’t have any, just go to the store, buy some apples, bite into one, then chew it around a lot without swallowing it. There. Apple sauce. That, or you could just buy apple sauce. It’s up to you. Don’t get me started on apple juice.

I ate Fruity Pebbles. Now I’m gay and have most of my teeth are chipped.

I worked in a fucking steel mill for thirty fucking years. Fucking boss was a fucking asshole. One time I told him to fuck off. Everyone thought I was gonna get fuckin’ fired. Fuck that. Fucking boss ended up respecting me for standing up to the fuckin’ corporate structure. He fuckin promoted me. Fuckin A. I was happy as a fuckin clam.

I put thirty fuckin years in at the fuckin place. Look at these fuckin hands. Callused up. Fucking blood, fucking sweat, years of fuckin hard work. These hands are like sand fuckin paper. These young guys don’t know what the fuck working is. They go to work for eight hours, stamp their fuckin time card, go home and watch cartoons with their fuckin girlfriends. I’d like to see ’em put in a fuckin long day like I used to.

My fuckin hard work paid off. Ended up taking over when the fuckin boss croaked. Last week this fuckin employee of mine told me to fuck off. You know what I fuckin did? Fired the fuck. I don’t deal with that fuckin shit. Fuck. I’ve been workin in a fucking steel mill for thirty years for Christ’s sake.

I don’t understand why people think clams are happy.

I lost, but man, I had fun.

There shouldn’t be loneliness.