Friday, September 27, 2013

Letters To No One


Dear Tom

Thanks for the ice cube.  I think that's what you sent me in the mail.  I'm not sure, because by the time I got it, it was water, or bleach, I'm not sure.  I drank it anyway.  It had somewhat of a chemically taste to it, but most waster does nowadays.  How have you been?  I've been really sick lately.  Feels like my insides are ripping apart and I keep violently throwing up every two hours.  Probably just a minor cold.  Stay in touch.

                                                                                                         Bob

__________

Dear Sue

Thanks for the necklace.  It fit great around my penis.

                                                          Yours in love, Stew
__________

Dear Hellen

Hey, you probably can't see, read, or hear this since you are both blind and deaf (not to mention dead).  But anyway, I met you the other day and you were a total bitch.  Just wanted to let you know, I wasn't sure if you could notice.

                          Sincerely, Once A Fan Of People With Double Disabilities
__________

Dear Garden Gnome

You creep me out.  Shit, and I live here.  Imagine what the neighbors think.  Why are you here?  Why did my uncle chain you to the front step like that so you can't be moved?  I gotta stay away from that guy.

                                               Sincerely, John Pitroff
__________

Leopold

I saw your garden didn't do too well this year. That sucks.  Well, I just got out of jail for stealing computer parts.  Sort of random for someone so anti-technology as myself.  What happened with the garden?  You just suck at producing life?  Your kids are evidence of that fact.  Well, I gotta go - gonna go feed my lovely kids fresh vegetables from our farm.

                                             Sincerely, Randy

P.S. You need any computer parts?
__________

To A Hitman:

I got your number from a friend of a friend of someone I don't really like.  Anyway, I'm looking to employ you for your skillz.  (I wrote that with a "z" cause I heard you are black and wanted to make you feel comfortable by letting you know "I'm down" with your lingo).  I need you to take out my wife.  I don't want her killed though, just injured - slightly.  Any way you can hook it up so she stubs her toe or cuts her fingernail just a bit too close?  She makes me mad, but not mad enough to do anything more severe.  I already tried heating her soup up just a tad too much so she burned her mouth for the day and couldn't really taste food that well for the next few hours, but it was lost on her.  Thanks.

                               Butch